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is this the evolution?

​I told myself a lie today. And the day before that and the day before that. Why do I do that? It’s like a continuous toxic conversation I’ve spent so much of my time having with myself. It’s almost developed into a guilty pleasure. I am the queen of self sabotage. Is it that true happiness scares me so I force myself to believe I am some unbearable creature who doesn’t deserve to share the same oxygen as my seed? Or is the straight and undeniable truth. One day, one day!! I will be!! Not anything specific not anywhere but I will freely be, freely be undeniably me. I want better. Therefore I must do better. For the garden I shall plant with bloom flowers of great power, petals with hope, stems with love and dirt filled with kindness. My weed deserves the most beautiful, most requisite place in order to blossom, this is the evolution. I will prevail. 
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The Crumble

Everything is numb, but I still feel bad, everything is numb but I feel sad? How can that work? Wanting to die and not wanting to die. Maybe wanting but to scared to? I cannot push this pain upon my daughter. But I’m running out of options running out of reasons. I want to feel something other the nothingness, emptiness and alone. I’m surrounded by people but have never been so lonely, they see me smile, looks real huh. Been working hard on that. I feel like a tooth pick trying to carry the weight of an elephant. Welcome to my crumble. 
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What is love?

How do you know if someone truly loves you? Is it by how long they stay? The actions that they portray? Is it a physical thing? Emotional? The answer to this question is you never truly do and you never truly can. But how can you not let that ruin future relationships. It’s inevitable. It effects you in more ways then you can count. It’s so scary to not truly know someone’s feelings, and or intentions.   How can you possibly give someone your all when you are constantly living in fear of wasted time. Time you cannot get back.  Is love on purpose or on accident? Is it worth it or is it a wasted time slot in your life? Side bar, why is every man I encounter not able to have the slightest idea how to communicate 
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Does it get better?

 A question I have often found myself asking is, is there really happiness out there? There has to be something out there than just this right? I mean how could there still be so many people here if there wasn’t? Why can everyone’s smile look so pure. When looking at mine I notice a sense of force, or hesitation if you will. I want it to be real, but I don’t know how to make it real. I’ve spent my life I feel chasing after some facade of a feeling I’m supposed to have. I know the one I have been feeling isn’t the one I want. I need relief I need something that I’m not even sure exists. The war is getting so strong I am scared I may lose. I want to be excited for the next day, instead of disappointed that it came.  What wrong could I have done to deserve this? I want to feel. So badly. I can’t even recognize myself anymore, I’m surrounded by the darkness and it’s taking a toll. Let me out. The weight keeps falling off, I am truly dead, I wish I wasn’t so far lost in my own stup...
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