Does it get better?

 A question I have often found myself asking is, is there really happiness out there? There has to be something out there than just this right? I mean how could there still be so many people here if there wasn’t? Why can everyone’s smile look so pure. When looking at mine I notice a sense of force, or hesitation if you will. I want it to be real, but I don’t know how to make it real. I’ve spent my life I feel chasing after some facade of a feeling I’m supposed to have. I know the one I have been feeling isn’t the one I want. I need relief I need something that I’m not even sure exists. The war is getting so strong I am scared I may lose. I want to be excited for the next day, instead of disappointed that it came. 

What wrong could I have done to deserve this? I want to feel. So badly. I can’t even recognize myself anymore, I’m surrounded by the darkness and it’s taking a toll. Let me out.

The weight keeps falling off, I am truly dead, I wish I wasn’t so far lost in my own stupid head. I wanna feel something else.  

I’m so tired

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